The Longbranch Davidian

2006-10-16T10:31:00.000-05:00

Tummy Display Upsets Rally

2006-06-04T15:37:00.001-05:00

When you mix Splash Day and Hog Day together a few hard stares are bound to ensue. Bikers were none too pleased to witness this bronzed display of washboard abs and highlighted tips.

Swooped Goose Lounge

2006-06-01T15:24:00.000-05:00

Means has done it again on his morning scourer of the yard sale birds and stuffed vermin. Those can remember the days when we rigged Shade's stuffed goose from my basement door to the bottom party room. When my wife opened the door the goose swooped down a wire and warned the boys trouble was coming. We coined the basement the Cooked Goose Lounge. You can see now why the LBI was formed.

Wedding Cakes

2006-05-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

Horrified wedding guests got a little more than they bargained for at a recent Hill Country ceremony. Flowing pale skin and artistic inkings sparkled in the lunar sky and illuminated crevices seldom seen by tender eyes.

A Blurry Scene at Primeaux's

2006-05-18T14:06:00.000-05:00

If you have not been to Chin's new bar you have go and you will not even need a Prom date. The place sparkles with a rustic, homey feel. Well appointed furniture and artwork adorn the space and the drinks are excellent. Last Saturday was no exception, the place was packed with some real hotties. Tex their in-house cab driver was in for a Crown Royal pit stop while carrying on about how he is immune from the local police.

Bar Grub and little Dogs are Tacky

2006-05-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

Lot of people ask, why don't you have food. Two answers, it's tacky and messy. Most patron's don't arrive until 10:30 pm anyway so what are we Italy? This crap is a total bummer for starters . What happens is people just smack away at some Cosco reheated garbage, they get tired, then create this huge mess and leave. Thanks! If you want food and drink go to Threadgill's (Luby's with a waitress) and gorge your heart out. And for little dogs, please keep them out of the bar. The health department has already told us they are better off when put to sleep and do not belong near drinkers.

Keep Austin Fucked Up

2006-05-17T13:15:00.000-05:00

Eyore's has never been short of kooks who find new and interesting ways to get blasted out of their minds in costume. Where else would you find a nude tin man on acid?

Cinco de Mayo (hombre style)

2006-05-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

I rustled up some South of the border vitels for my boys this past Cinco. The nuclear red marinade glowed brightly in the afternoon sun. A feast for under $12.00

4 pounds polo $4.69
4 onions $.50
3 pepers $.50
tortillas $2.76
paper plates: $1.99

Moo Shu Pooch

2006-05-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

Might want to take a second look at your beef schezuan noodle dish. This Shanghai culinary genius thought it a good idea to cut some corners on the costs. Chinese just don't seem to get shock value.

Soprano Chef Gets Busted outside Sharky's Apartment

2006-05-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Vert Ventimiglia was dusting his emotions and wrecklessly cruising through our buddy's neighborhood in Brooklyn when the fuzz caught up with him. Sharky said he was tying on a three day straw bender as well, but just didn't get caught. Looks like Vert might find himself in the bouillabaisse after Tony finds out.

Party Planned for 7 Released Davidians

2006-04-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

Thought it would be a good idea to get the other side of the Waco fiasco first hand. Why not throw them a release party? These are not your boys next door, they were involved in a wicked shoot out with ATF agents and are still pissed off. One was at the Waco Walmart buying more guns when the compound was flame thrown. They are scattered around so it may be hard to get them all together. In fact they are forbidden by the courts to assemble which is one reason I think they need a good blow out party. I can smell the sent of gun oil, army fatigues and palm frond (code) wafting over the hillcountry right now.

LBI's New Mascot: That's Just how we ROAR!!

2006-04-18T15:44:00.000-05:00

The Beaver is cool, but we need to switch gears. Our new mascot for the summer is a mean ass stuffed Bobcat that has a terrifying pose. When alive this little shit could have easily taken your arm off. I'm going to pick the little fellar up this evening.

A day without a Mexican: The Real Truth about Immigration Policy in the US

2006-04-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

Gringos love the fine work our Southern neighbors provide in just about every major industry in the US, but we don't want them to be a part of us? . This BS is fueled by amateur isolationists, racists and nervous politicians that are scared shitless that they will become a formidable voting bloc in their precincts. So what do they do? Chastise and call them the wet backs. Let the Mexicans that are already here become a full blown part of our society. Give them IRS cards so they pay a little in and also make their employers pay their payroll taxes as well. Trust me, without their hard work, Texas would come to a complete STOP. No restaurants open, all construction and road work halted, and your dry cleaning laundry would stack up like fire wood.

Yummy New Drink at the LBI

2006-04-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

The Judy's take on Jim Jones' mass suicide disaster makes for a good bumper sticker idea. Freshen up, freshen up, freshen up! At Jonestown's jungle resort, 900 plus people were sent to their graves as they neatly stood in line to slurp a flavorful cyanide spiked punch. Ours is slightly less toxic. One Part: Hawaiian punch, vodka, 151 Barchardi, Patron tequila and a twist of lime. Shaken not stirred. This is no glorification, I'm still pissed at this asshole who took down these poor kids.

Woops, Sari!

2006-04-07T06:38:00.000-05:00

It's probably not a good idea to attend an elite elementary school fundraiser after an afternoon of drinking at the strip club is it? Well that's exactly what I tried to do after being "invited" to this Brooklyn Heights silent auction fundraiser. Clockbauer said it was cool and that there would be some jam'in snacks so I said OK. Litterally within seconds I was booted when I tried to set my drink down near one of the most expensive items on the auction lot, an antique SARI.!! Problem was there were these confusing cheap party wire, confetti decorations and precariously perchered tea candles everywhere. OSHA and the BFDP would have had a field day here. Vision blurred, I tipped over a candle and the wax got all over the precious item. I don't know if you've tried to get wax out of a textile, but it's not something you can do in a flash. Had they known I am one of the most exclusive importers of all things India I could have massively overcompesated for this faux "paw". In Howard Hughes proportions, I am going to airlift and drop 10,000 saris in the area in the coming weeks. The last time this stunt was pulled in New Dehli, 18 people died in the ravenous stampeeds and catfights that followed.

Phoney Island, NY

2006-04-05T14:15:00.000-05:00

This place is about what you thought it would be: Cheesy amusement rides, yucky sand, bad food, bad people, broken boardwalk and mostly boring. But when you are there with some of your best pals, the love just hits you and you might as well be in Maui. We caught some ZZ top biker guy referring to Coney Island as just CI. Some Yorkers go there so often they have abbreviated it. Very succinct minded individuals.

Clockbauered

2006-04-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

Artisits often brush with a wide stroke, tourist businessmen often leave a wide footprint. Case in point is some roughousing that took down a NY native. Best to stand clear when a tall Texan comes to town.

Attention Starved? or just Nuts?

2006-03-29T16:42:00.000-06:00

How many times have you seen this hand gesture in a photo, maybe 6 million times ? Well you don't see spread eagle as often as this California nut cracker. The gal is so wild that she had to be personally carried off from a private party by a Shoal Creek staff employee.

What did you Mean?

2006-03-29T12:27:00.000-06:00

Davey Means has a few important focused goals in life: tweeking the spreadsheets of an inventory management program to make sure there are the proper number of wine bottles left, keeping the Schlitz brewery solvent, remembering the most minute details of popular American sports, busting the hell out of golf balls, and now Paintball? How many ramped up testosterone activities can one man have?

Carding and Bouncing was Fun!

2006-03-29T12:01:00.000-06:00

Meet Zack our newest arrival at the pearly gates to be FIRED. He was involved in defraying several flare-ups and had a keen instinct to anticipate problems well in advance. Like the dumb ass that broke our framed photo in the Men's room and then cut Cheesy with a broken bottle. Zack is alcohol and toxic free and that's why we love him. No haze to the see the haze. Management tip: The learning curve at the LBI is steep so get a notepad please. Zack was unfortunately let go recently and we are sad to see him go. One word: Insubordination

The Dark Side of the Livestock Industry

2006-03-26T20:14:00.000-06:00

Ok let me get this straight, you buy your daughter a genetically perfect steer calf, whack it's huevos off, feed it, shave it and groom it to 2000 lbs, then go for the $75,000 top auction prize money, win, and then have the beast slaughtered into ground beef for the poor. Only to have your father work off his hangover on a lawn chair and pickle bucket. Go figure ? I'm joining PETA immediately.

Woops, Sorry

2006-03-24T15:59:00.000-06:00

We forgot to puncture this art noir charlatan that tried to sing through an overinflated trash bag.

The 1 Million Calorie Eternal Tailgaters

2006-03-24T14:59:00.000-06:00

These off gridders camped out so long on the fringes they lost track of all space, time and their minds. 48 hours of continuous beer drinking and frolicking netted a savings of over $1600 in retail beer expenditures. Just cheap or smart? Price-Waterhouse could not have cut expenses closer. When the count got down to 5 people they said they no longer had a quorum, got pissed and left. I just added it up: 1 million calories is 5720 beers. I am not off.

Yo, Soo Gucci

2006-03-24T11:57:00.000-06:00

What happens when you're not MC Hammer and windfall some sketchy funds? Wrap your Benz in faux-Gucci logos so no one notices. Then have a bottle of Couvassier on the center console, bent stems rolling on the floor board and drive all over town sonic booming your eyeballs out.

SX Sideways

2006-03-24T11:39:00.000-06:00

What happens when you gorge on burgers all day and dust your emotions by night? Lengthy stints at the ceramic alter with no clue as to when beer tabs and license plates will plop out. It's like in JAWS (1976) when they cut open the wrong shark.

Give Jews a Chance

2006-03-24T10:31:00.000-06:00

Aren't you just sick of the WASPy ass homegrown, fatcat, born again dill weeds in office? Vote for a Jew cause they don't spend much, dine out at modest restaurants, care about education and most of all are funny. Kinky blessed us with his presence at this years Vice 2006 outdoor stage and hit some good one liners that went over a few peoples heads.

Crom Rocked their asses Off-SX

2006-03-20T19:34:00.000-06:00

Our LA buddies Crom let loose with some thunderous tunes at the LBI. One of the funest bands we've seen in a long time, these boys wildly knocked over mics, threw up, did guitar solos between the curtains, and let loose some axing riffs from the look alike flying V twins. Best of all they have a new song that I love: "Stockbauer, can we PLEASE party!" Cooler yet some are gay, hippy and jewish! All in one kiddies.

Covert Urination Exposed

2006-03-20T15:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the public restrooms are further than you think. Other covert moves can save you a few steps to the Jon such as a skirted barstool table. Well this worked a few times for our host until his whistler sprayed a chick on the leg at Charles Atal's glamour party. Wasn't long before the authorities tracked down the only Bavarian hat in the place and sent Gavin packing. Just one of many strange occurrences that transpired during the late hours of SX. It is now a good idea to wear your fly fishing bib around this human sprinkler head.

The Bar has come a long way

2006-03-13T10:59:00.000-06:00

Hand crafted by German artisans in the late 1800's our bar has withstood years of service. Whittled from quarter sawn white oak with ornate carved appliques the Longbranch bar evokes passions of yesteryear in a ye 'ol and modern setting. Gothic chandeliers, warm oak and leather furniture surround the patrons in a cozy yet sheik atmosphere. No surprise people keep coming back since the ban on prohibition passed Congress in 1935. The bootleggers were not too pleased, but getting your "drink- on" became much safer and social. For off SX showtimes and acts see: www.longbranchinn.com

The Austin Rodeo is in full swing

2006-03-12T16:15:00.000-06:00

The bulls smell Spring in the air and are getting frisky. The Austin Rodeo is in town with various contests of skill and form. The old fashion way seems to be the position of choice.
www.rodeoaustin.com The real Longhorn steers roll in Friday for competition.

Festivals Require Restraint

2006-03-12T14:42:00.000-06:00

Some go so far as to plead in writing to keep peer pressure at bay. Or it could be just a subliminal message for help: Don't ask me I'm out.

"The Look" for SXSW 2006: Longbranches with short panses

2006-03-10T12:54:00.000-06:00

We were wondering what a good look might be for the festival. A sure fire way of making things work with the chicks is to give them a good idea of what they can anticipate. Red is the new Black. A highly sculpted relief will let them know you are serious and if the size is right. These lads are sure to score after a long ride in the swiss hinterlands. In short, flaunt the goods!

The Only Hate are the sold out $150 wristbands

2006-03-10T10:53:00.000-06:00

Don't be fooled by the razor blades, blood and hate references. The only hate that is going around SXSW this year are the long lines and Chucky Cheese wristbands. You would have better luck seeing the Rolling Stones in Rio than your favorite band west of the Interstate. Why not see 60 shows in 14 hours within spiting distance for FREE.? The LBI, Victory and Harold's Outdoor venue will proudly host a bewildering number of acts that will surely please the disgruntled. For more details see:
http://www.myspace.com/vicekillstexas

Our Davidian Forefather

2006-03-09T13:38:00.000-06:00

David Koresh would be proud of his legacy some 90 minutes south of the former compound. Drinking, egotistical selfworship, unexspected pregnancies, and wife swapping continues his traditions at the Longbranch. Just God forbid some Big Bird Attorney General and an impatient ATF tries to burn us to the ground.

Home Bars in Mexico Rule

2006-03-09T13:21:00.000-06:00

Mexicans take their spirits very seriously.. They literally spend 10's of thousands of pesos to round out their domestic bars and libation selection so as to be sure guests are welcomed. Case in point, my 2o year amigos and I toast it up on a chilly night in Marziano's remote mountain estate.

Meat Will Sizzle for SXSW

2006-03-06T08:35:00.000-06:00

Some legendary Pit Masters will be on hand for this SXSW affair despite some trimmed backed party schedules. What a better way to wean a hangover than to fill your gullet with some finely smoked carne. The light weights will stand on the wrong side and get smoke in their eyes.

From Punks to Steaks

2006-03-06T08:23:00.000-06:00

Former club creator graced us with his presence the other night. Eric Emo has gone from controlling the maush pit to controlling the BBQ pit as GM of the Texas Land and Cattle Company. Not as much of a stretch as it sounds.

Don't Eat Pussy

2006-03-04T19:41:00.000-06:00

No this kitten is not dead, yes that was my 12 year old sister 12 years ago, and yes that is Kevin Spillars one of the craziest maniacs of recorded time. This pic was shot back in the days of yore when carbritos slowly cooked on an open fire and wild animals became helpless pranks. According to Spillars kittens think they are back in the womb when you put their head in your mouth. Sound advise is to go with the old fashion ones. Safer, cleaner.

Magic fur lined Party Bus

2006-03-04T14:11:00.000-06:00

We don't normally plug businesses, but this is an exception. Rock'in Ride has some of the grooviest party buses I have ever seen. For $135 an hour (tip included) you can tool your bros around town and go completely ape shit and the driver doesn't even seem to notice. He's most likely way higher than you are. This fur lined converted "little bus" has seen more retards then it's entire previous life. Kumbala's first words on the bus were "shirts off! "The rig pulled up to the LBI and we just hopped on for a freebee. It was Uncle Cuddles wife's B-day and we had a pretty cool time drinking free beer, rubbing up against the seats and chill'in with some whisky shots. www.rockinride.com

Saw Dust Happy Hour

2006-03-03T14:34:00.000-06:00

Mad capped hand tool wizard Carry Boudiette is back at it again building the Branch another side bar. Patrons were not amused the last go around to have dust and lacquer fumes in their drinks. The all night affair just goes to prove that carpentry and jacked to gills go hand in hand.

Absinth makes the heart grow fonder

2006-02-25T16:44:00.000-06:00

This wormwood based psycoldelic is such an outrageous buzz you might think twice about even trying it. The 136 Proof bomb is still illeagal to sell in bars, but it can be purchased from eastern block web sites at a heafty price. The trick is to get some sugar cubes, a dainty spoon and nice glassware then ever so gingerly pour water over the cubes. It's about as delicate as passing gas at church, but after a few you get the hang of it. The melting sweetness turns the puck green substance into a milky delight. Pop a few back and put your seatbelt on because you are about to enter the world of 19th century Henri Toulouse-Lautrec. Pleasantly disturbing.

Ancient Chinese Secret: Snake Infused Wine

2006-02-18T10:56:00.000-06:00

Bored with your Bordeaux? Well the Chinese have added a new twist: Snake soaked wine. This delightful beverage will have you coming back for more. It has a slightly scaley palate with rich oily overtones. Best chance is to slurp a snake egg which is known for highly aphrodisiac qualities.
Found mostly at Chinese gas station stores.

Tim Brown: AKA : RINGS

2006-02-17T09:46:00.000-06:00

Florida perched snow-bird Rings will be making his way again to Austin for SXSW. Never a dull moment around this punk pop enthusiast. Rings made an odd decision years ago to start erecting cell towers in the swamp infested waters of Southwestern Florida for God only knows why. Probably good since we are always stoked to see his mastery of the driest beef rub this side of Death Valley. He burns it right on the brisket at temperatures exceeding a hot afternoon on Mars. Team Break Rings!! and leave your rub at the airport.

4th Annual SXSW Croquet Party Cancelled

2006-02-16T20:30:00.000-06:00

How many honkies can you fit on a lawn? : Too many goddamn Agros to count. These charlatans will be screaming their fucking heads off over the most minute aspects of hitting a wooden ball through little metal hoops than you could possibly imagine. This marks the 4th year of the event and tempers will flare. Last year two Nazi's were busted in the middle of the night trying to cement a steel sign in a cast iron bathtub prior to the event. (guess who they were?) We are back to all white kids so Chlorox the tiny whities and show up thirsty with your own beer. (I am not fucking with a keg.)

German Stroodled at Beir Garten

2006-02-16T13:35:00.000-06:00

How many laws can this guy break at once? Travis Morey, the Pied Piper of late night shenanigans is always up for a good time. Whether it's hung over on the soccer field or just wiping up beer spills in a $300 suit this guy can really get the most of an evening. See their site at: www.choppedliverpool.com We would love to sponcer the team if they showed up more than once a month!

Uncle Sam Goofs

2006-02-16T11:54:00.000-06:00

Fully Shanghaid in the Great Land of China, our doe-doe bodies Gav and Dav are hooping it up at a sportbar complete with the full Red, White and Blue regalia. It might have been funnier if there were others there that day watching the superbowl. God can only imagine the horrid look on the bar staff faces.

The Reverend Hard at Work

2006-02-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

EBC is well known for tying many types of knots, not to mention his latest consummation of the McInnis family. For the most part they have all pretty much held together less anyone who's name starts with "Pri" or ends in "moe." For this was the work of his younger, less seasoned sibling minister Kumbaya. You see, this crafty devil just re-sorts and collates his art depending on the subjects at hand. On a recent knot-tie with Heavy J (AKA Jordan A.), Edgar just added a few Southern schticks, hearty "oohh kays" and off the couple went to the cash bar for a few libations.

MBA he's not, but he can print

2006-02-14T14:21:00.000-06:00

Billy Bishop's side- winding business practices has gotten a lot of customers hot under the collar. It's nothing like getting your goods a day late after the show when it's already over. Obsolete Industries has been sucking- in heavy screen printing fumes the old fashion way for just under a decade. You do have to hand it to Billy, Frank and the boys for putting out a pretty affordable product even though it might be a little tardy. Check them out at www.obsolete.com. You will not find Frank; however, since he went on a dry run to San Fran chasing a hot chick that was only interested in getting him a garage apartment

ApocaLipps the Destroyer

2006-02-01T20:31:00.000-06:00

Doomsday partier and culinary genius Chris Howard makes good work of a hard living ski vacation in Colorado. While carving a downed Wildebeast he managed to slice off a section of his finger. You might also ask this Wizard how he smashed one of my hierloom pieces of china on the floor and a shard bounced up and stuck in my wall.

Davidian Hotty Spotted in Acapulco Village

2006-02-01T20:12:00.000-06:00

An anonomous blogger sent this email from a outdoor seafood joint south of Acapulco. Word is spreading fast south of the border in a big way.

Travel Tip: La Opera Bar, Mexico City

2006-02-01T14:44:00.000-06:00

When in Mexico City this should be a must visit on your travel itineary. La Opera is one of the most old school bars you could ever imagine. It started in the early 1800's in the heart of downtown Mexico. There are bullet holes in the ceiling where Pancho Villa shot off a few rounds during one of his raging revolutionary rampages. Very ornate wood work to gander at while you pound down some finely made Margaretas. It will kinda remind you of the LBI but much more over the top.

Mint Bar Shanghai, China

2006-02-01T14:24:00.000-06:00

We need more damn bed bars in Austin. Last May I did some bar research in China only to find the coolest places had no chairs. Shanghai is totally off the hook and the people are fantastic. Isolationist Americans should not be bothered by the Chinese. They have too much shit going on at home to worry with us and way too much money. Gavin, Trace, and David Cross are heading there tomorrow for some fun, festivities and potentially making total fools out of themselves. Best of luck boys and don't get Shanghaied ...

Bach Party Gone Wrong in Catskills

2006-01-31T08:58:00.000-06:00

Last Fall marked one of the biggest meltdowns in recent history. This was no average party it was famed Viceroy Gavin McInnis' waning days of freedom. Was not long until every rule at the Lodge was broken and the shirts were off boys! A local pizza delivery man was overheard back at the restaurant saying that there was a gay party going on at the Lodge. Our sixth generation Amish hosts were not too amused by the whole display. At first they played along with good humor until things got broken, the mess accumulated and the debauchery became just too much to bear. The Furry one above is one of Gavin's old buddies from Ottawa that made more wardrobe changes than Liz Taylor at an Ocsar ceremony.

Got Beer?

2006-01-30T21:33:00.000-06:00

If billions of humans can enjoy beer why not pigs? Between Bushka Bob's pig Party and Starr, these two can pack a wallop. Party the pig once out-drank our friend Phil Doe in a head-to-head competition. Both passed out on the ground and the winner was determined by spilling some beer on both contestants' mouths. Phil showed no sign of life while Party licked the side of his chops with glee. See www.pigs4ever.com for adoption options.

The $500 Joke

2006-01-30T13:10:00.000-06:00

Every SXSW is well planned in advance. Last year was no exception. The theme was The Insurgency so we rented a pimped out Chrysler 300 and bought a $3.00 piece of polka dot material and became an instant billionaire. I rented a chauffeur for $20 and we headed to the airport to pick up the Vice boys. You should have seen the look on their faces when I popped the door open and yelled: "My brothers!" Visit our friends site at: www.viceland.com

Stolen Mascot Returned!

2006-01-30T05:40:00.000-06:00

Longtime stuffed mascot Hal that was stolen recently from the LBI has been returned. There were a few errant holes in him which leads us to suspect a taxidermian fetish was amuck. The pressure just became too great. Hal arrived like a swaddled baby in front of an orphanage right on the front door step.. He musta still felt the cold winter breeze. We are most pleased by the act of guilt and will still pursue the individuals responsible for this thoughtless crime...

Cooper not always a Wiseman

2006-01-30T05:17:00.000-06:00

Coop scored a new Firehouse ride last week after the last one was stolen from the Branch. After a few Lone Stars Coop decided he could still ride the short distance from the bar to his house. Well he got as far at the curb and put a handle bar though his eye socket. 12 stiches later he was almost back to normal. Neil Younger set his bike behind the trash heap and it was stolen. Please take care of yourself and possessions.

Never have a hangover again

2006-01-29T19:17:00.000-06:00

RU-21 is revolutionary in the hangerover cure industry. Unlike it's sister drug 486, this baby virtually eliminates the torturous effects of too much of a good thing. Tested on vodka pounding Ukrainians, several subjects died until chemists got the formula just right. Simply take two before you party and two after and presto you feel like a 19 year old again. The pills work to metabolize the alcohol molecules so you don't have to. The time saved nursing a hangover will easily offset the $1.00 a pop price tag.

Stockbauer Turns 40

2006-01-29T14:58:00.000-06:00

It's sad when you turn 40 and fall asleep in the old folks seat on City busses.

Punk Rock Will Just Never Die

2006-01-29T14:50:00.000-06:00

Live Punk Rock who-cares-iokie takes on a whole new meaning at the Branch. Some of the simplest lyrics in the world cannot be remembered after few beers and no sheet music.

The Branch was tabacco pipe friendly

2006-01-28T18:45:00.000-06:00

Gone were the days when you could relish in the splendar of a nice nicotine buzz. No longer the case thanks to City administrators and hellbent heath activists.

Cheesy is not that Cheesy

2006-01-28T18:06:00.000-06:00

Sean P. legendary bouncer at the LBI has a little known soft side. Ya see, the guy is not that threatening and don't be dismayed by the ink and adornments. This little fellar is lovable and sweet to be around. I have yet to see him bounce anyone, but he has sure turned away a lot of bad looking ID's.

New Bar set to open Soon in FredBurg

2006-01-28T15:45:00.000-06:00

Long pickled buddy Christian Primaux is set to open his new bar soon in Fredricksburg. Self titled Primaux's Pourhaus will be crafting handmade concocktions with the utmost care. Chin over invested on the ice machine which pumps out bubble free 1 1/4 inch cubes. He says he liked the sound they make in the glass. Primaux will make a variety of extremely low margin drinks made from expensive hand squeezed fruits and berries plucked from nearby hillcountry creeks. His Ramon Fiz will be beaten to a real frothy frenzy and will drive chicks wild claims Primaux.

Recently the LBI was sighted as having illegal half and half on hand which the heath department deemed as a "food". So God forbid egg whites. There is little doubt that the Pourhaus will be huge success in light of all the party loving geriatrics in town for the weekend. He may have to come up with some guerrilla marketing schemes in order to lure in the locals. His best stroke of luck problably came when the ex-con Weber boys were run out of town on parole violations. Good luck with your new bar Chin and one word of caution: Hide the dairy.

Ramon Fizz Recipe Yield: 1 Servings 2 oz Gin 1 Egg white 2 oz Milk; * see note Juice of 1/2 lemon Juice of 1/2 lime 1 tb Powdered sugar 3 dr Orange-flower water; (option 2 dr Vanilla extract; (optional) Seltzer; to taste

Apparently Hipsters Don't want to be called Hipsters?

2006-01-28T15:00:00.000-06:00

On a recent jaunt over to LBI's east side sister bar the Peacock Lounge I got myself into a heated little exchange. I was chatting with some cats when some Scenesteers rolled in and I immediately said "Hipsters!" This set off a furry of mad stares from the posse. At first they said nothing until I rolled up to the bar for another drink and one said: "what did you call us?" I said " you mean hipsters?." Pissed I said : " call 'em like I see 'em" It's cool to be hip and dress hip but not be called a hipster. What the fuc? This counterintuition has no place in the fashion world. Confidence in your threads is of utmost importance in any social situation so go gallantly into the night and block out all misguided comments. And remember when at the Longbranch, courtesy is our middle finger.

Wilson, AKA The Golden Boy

2006-01-28T14:22:00.000-06:00

40 year LBI patron and Korean War veteran the Golden Boy has just returned from a 4 day Amtrak ride from Vegas flush with cash. Turns out Golden pawned his gold rings to pay for the journey and came back with a little under $92,000 in cash. The high rolling Davidian simply does not know what to do with all the greenbacks. His daily routine includes a full manicure, hot oil fro pressing and full body massages. His drink of choice is Paul Mason brandy which we still do not carry. We have weaned him from this toxic concocktailation and switched him to Tom Collins which is a blend of healthy juice and gin. Golden is succinct in his rep-pro-twar. A few of his one liners include:

"I ain't lying this time"
" I ain't drunk but I'm drinkin!"
Shakespeare (when referring to a person who says something smart?)
"oh Lord why me?"
" where's my hair dresser?"

Neil Younger turns 50

2006-01-28T13:54:00.000-06:00

Verteran barmaster Dave Thompson has reached the ripe young age of 50. That means he has poured spirits for three decades and still going strong. Also known as the batman of the bar industry, Thompson effortlessly climbs ladders by leaps and bounds. Wields his barmans tool belt complete with micro spotlights, openers and a host of other Swiss Army Knife gadgets. He was once known to pack iron in the crotch of his tight leather trousers. Thompson has forced management of the LBI to start exploring the dicey field of pension plans and Roth IRA's. Give us 30 more 'ol pal the patrons are thirsty.

George Kastanza of the East Side

2006-01-28T13:41:00.000-06:00

Former LBI employee Noah Polk has set his sights to a higher realm: PIZZA manufacturing. Yes this Kastanzaesque has broken ground on a new enterprise called ESP (East Side Pies). He is going to add a novelty when the phone rings. After each order he will carefully document the customers' preferences and phone number. The next time they call presto!" we already know what you want." Crack whores and their loved ones' diets are about to improve. Polks claims he is going to use only the finest ingredients and spin these pies as thin as rolling paper. He is shooting for a crisp bubbly crust found only at the banks of the Brooklyn Bridge. So farewell my aspiring entree -manure and the best of luck in your culinary endeavors

Metrosexuality Equals = Freedumb

2006-01-28T12:58:00.000-06:00

American popular culture has opened whole new avenues for the straight male. Once a no- no for heteros has now become fasionalby sheik with the onset of the Fab 5 and their gender role breaking antics. These disco loving boys are case in point: shirts off set these sultry lads off into a night of freedumb frolicking. Who said wigs were taboo? A $6.99 wig from the Party Pig can steer your night in any direction you choose not to mention pealing off years of self indulgence. Gender bending is one of the fastest growing sports in the Southwest so lift your inhibitions and give this concept a whirl.

FAST BLACK: PERMANENT FIXTURE

2006-01-27T20:21:00.000-06:00

Fast Black, AKA "The Man with No Name" has been a potted plant fixture of the Longbranch since the waning days of the Truman Administration. You can catch Fast warming a bar chair or catching some innocent Z's in his pressed back lounger. At first glance this may seem illegal, however; a little known loop hole in the Texas Workforce Commission rules allows occational "napping" in the workplace. Fast is a Southern Gent of the highest order who swoons down to greet gorgeous ladies and cuts a rug like no other. Where can you meet a guy that quizzes you on minute Texas history facts, curses at you like a sailor, goes on hour long nonsensical tirades and then works you over with elaborate hand gestures. So when you open the door to the Longbranch look right, he'll be sitting right there with his 10 gallon hat and that trademark smile..